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(submitted by: John Davis)

Did you hear about the tornado that struck Tuscaloosa last week?

It did $2 million worth of IMPROVEMENTS!

(submitted by: Bill Smelcher)

Do you know the difference between a Clemson cheerleader and a cow?

About 30 lbs!

(submitted by: Edd Christopher)

What has 32 teeth and is 100 yards long?

The front row of an Alabama football game!

(submitted by: Bill Smelcher)

Do you know the difference between a Clemson cheerleader and a cow ?

About 30 lbs.

(submitted by: Len Davis)

Lance Armstrong Disqualified

An article stating that the Lance Armstrong may be stripped of his 6th Tour de France title was recently published in a French newspaper. In a random check for banned substances, 3 substances were found in Lance Armstrong's hotel room that are banned by the French:

Toothpaste, deodorant, and soap.

(submitted by: Ty12481)

Why does Louisville not have a pro football team?

Because if they had one Cincinnati would want one too.

(submitted by: EmunnX5)

As we all know the U. S. Mint has been issuing quarters honoring the various states. Recently they began having trouble with the Mississippi Quarter, it has been jamming up vending machines.
Since the Mint was not having trouble with any of the quarters of other states, they launched an investigation into what the problem might be. For a while then even thought that they might have to recall all of the Mississippi quarters.
But, then they discovered that a Mississippi State student had won the design contest for the quarter's design.
And,-------------------------------------------------- the duct tape holding the 2 dimes and nickel together was coming loose and jamming up the machines.

(submitted by: Craig C. Chandler)

Three college graduates from the state of Mississippi were walking down the beach when they stumbled upon an old lamp. When knocking the dust off a Genie popped out and said she could grant three wishes.

The first graduate was from the University of Southern Mississippi. He was a marine biologist and asked for all the ocean waters around the globe to be pollution free. “Granted” the Genie said.

Next was a graduate from the University of Mississippi (Old Miss), he wished for a 50-foot wall to be built around the great city of Oxford, Mississippi in which nothing could penetrate. Again the Genie granted the wish.

Last was a graduate from Mississippi State University and he stated, “A wall around Oxford in which nothing can penetrate…My wish is to fill it up.”

(submitted by: Shaun Miller)

On a tour of South Carolina, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the low country area on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 "Popemobile" was driving along the beautiful beache when there was
an enormous commotion heard just off the to his left in the ocean.

He rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene, the Pope noticed in the water was a hapless man wearing a Clemson University football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 450 pound shark. At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing University of South Carolina football jerseys roared into view from around the point. Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a shot into the shark’s ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Clemson fan into the boat and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the beach. It was the Pope summoning them to the car. After they reached beach, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there is some bitter hatred between the fans of the University of South Carolina and Clemson University. But now I can see with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and could serve as a model on which other states could follow". He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the Riflemen asked the others, "Who was that?" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the Rifleman replied, "he doesn’t know a thing about shark fishing! Hows the bait holding up?"

(submitted by: Michael Rainer)

Groucho Marx: “Why is it easier to get the ivory from the elephant in Alabama?” “Because the tusk are loosa.”

Football Exam

Time Limit: 3 WKS

Name: _____________________________
1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
-OR-
give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: _______________
Carter: __________________
Clinton: ________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

PRISON vs WORK
in prison....You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
at work.... You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

in prison.... You get three meals a day.
at work.... You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

in prison.... You get time off for good behaviour.
at work.... You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

in prison.... A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
at work.... You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors.

in prison.... You can watch tv and play games.
at work.... You get fired for watching tv and playing games.

in prison.... You get your own toilet.
at work.... You have to share.

in prison.... They allow your family and friends to visit.
at work.... You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

in prison.... All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
at work.... You get to pay the exspenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

in prison.... You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
at work....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

in prison.... There are wardens who are often sadistic.
at work.... They are called supervisors

in prison.... You have unlimited time to read jokes.
at work.... You get fired if you get caught.

A mexican bandit made it his specialty to cross the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas.

Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favourite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or else I'll blow your brains out!"

But the bandit didn't speak English and the ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the ranger's message.

The terrified bandit, in Spanish, blurted out that the loot was buried under the oak tree behind the cantina.

"What'd he say?" asked the ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said, 'Get lost you turkey. You wouldnt dare shoot me!'"

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear.

The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers, and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly you've been a big dissapointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you're not. Yes, I know you,'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs Williams, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes I do, I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too was a real dissapointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a real drinking problem, the man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.'

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said, 'If either one of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!'

An excited man calls the fire department and says, "Help me, my house is on fire!!"

The fireman says, "Where do you live?"

The man replies, "Uh, bluh, I am too excited, I can't tell you the exact address."

The fireman asks, "How do you expect us to get there?"

The man replies, "What do you mean 'how'? The big red truck."

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.

The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".

Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man.

The shop owner says, "Well, that parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot & is told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot, only to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars.

Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?"

To which the shop owner replies, "To be honest I ain't never seen it do a thing, but the other two call'im boss!"

A young husband returned home to find his new bride preparing to bake a ham.

He noticed she had cut off both ends, so he asked her why since it looked like a perfectly good ham.

She told him, "I learned that from my mother."

He accepted that, ate the ham, and it was great.

At the next family gathering, the young husband asked his new mother-in-law about the ham.

She said, "I learned that from my mother."

Grandma came home for Christmas, and the young husband finally had the chance to solve the riddle. He told Grandma about his wife, her mother, and how they had both learned this from her.

Grandma said, "Well...I had a short pan!"

(submitted by: Steve Clonts)

Q: What's the difference between the University of Florida and a mental institution?
A: You have to show improvement to get out of the mental institution.

(submitted by: Greg Crolley)

Following a stunning blowout loss to North Carolina, Clemson returned to the practice field this afternoon only to find their practice stopped by Tommy Bowden after 10 minutes.

He instructed the players to head for locker room while he and his assistant coaches examined an unidentified "white, powdery substance" on the field.

Local CDC and state law officials were called in to inspect the substance and informed the coaches that practice could continue as planned. "We informed Coach Bowden that the white, powdery substance he was unfamiliar with was the goal line" said an FBI representative.

(submitted by: Rod66usc)

Why do Clemson athletes have trouble dialing 911?

Because they can't find the number eleven on the dial.

(submitted by: Aaron Seay)

We've all wondered how the school colors were chosen. Here's the scoop...

Some Tennessee, Georgia, Auburn and Alabama fans decided that black-and-white school colors were a bit too dull. So they called upon God to give them colors that would truly represent them

First, the Tennessee fans stepped before God and asked for their school's colors. God said "When I see Tennessee, I see a great big orange sun coming up over the white crashing waves of the sea. Tennessee will be orange and white".

Next, the Georgia fans stood before God and asked for their school colors. God said, "I see a field of fertile black soil...from which will
grow a beautiful field of red roses. Georgia will be black and red."

The Auburn fans were next. God said as he patted his favorite sons on the head, "When I think of my beautiful Auburn, I see a glorious sky of blue with the bright shining orange sun shining down on my favorite town. You, my loved ones, your colors are orange and blue."

God then turned to the Alabama fans and said quite hastily, "Your colors are crimson and white."

Later, after the fans had left, St. Peter came to God and said, "Lord, as you handed out each fan's colors, you explained their origin -- all but the Alabama fans. I'm curious. Why crimson and white? What do you see when you think of Alabama?"

"I see the same thing as you see," God said, "white trash and red necks".
WAR EAGLE!

(submitted by: Catstan64)

Q: How do you get Cardinals out of your backyard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: How do you get a Louisville fan off of your front porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.

On the way to the stadium a Louisville fan forgot his 2 tickets for the game,when he got back to his car he noticed someone had broken in and left 6 tickets.

(submitted by: Ryan Smith)

Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!"

Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer (screaming): "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!"
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!"

I was driving through Birmingham a few weeks ago and passed a farm with an outhouse. On top of the outhouse was a satellite dish. Curious, I stopped and asked the farmer about it.

He said, "I rented that 'apartment' out to a couple of Alabama students."

I came back through a few days later and was amazed to see two satellite dishes on the roof of the outhouse. I stopped again and inquired as to the second dish.

"Oh them Bama boys got smart," the farmer said. "They sub-let the basement out to a couple of Auburn grad students!"

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"

Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip South, here are some helpful hints.

Women's Accessories:
NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the frontpocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara,
and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.

Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.

Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Guliani
SOUTH: Archie & Peyton Manning

Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.

Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.

Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.

Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.

Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH! : Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "*&^%$, you slow %$#@&! - tackle him and break his legs."

Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "#&^!@, you slow %#@&! - tackle him and break his legs."

Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.

Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football.

(submitted by: Jim Taube)

A good ole' boy from L.A. was pulled over outside Andalusia, AL for speeding by two Alabama State Troopers.

You could tell the troopers were University of Alabama graduates because the first one asked the second one as he was writing the ticket, "How do you spell 'Andalusia' ?".

The second trooper replied, "I don't know, but I've got an idea. Why don't we let him go and pull him over when he gets to Opp."

A large group of lingering Taliban soldiers is moving down a road when they hear a voice from behind a sand dune:

"One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 10 Taliban!"

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle erupts, then silence.

The voice then calls out, "One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 100 Taliban!"

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and, instantly, a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out once more, "One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 1,000 Taliban!"

The enraged Taliban Commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle rages. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and, with his dying words, tells his commander, "Don't send any more men! It's a trap-there are two of them!"

Q: What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac. I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late.
Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Peter" at me when I was with my client. He agreed.

Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Pete, what's happening?"

To which I replied, "Get outta here Gates, I'm in a meeting."

HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage "Heidi. Hire yew?"

BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and tuckit ta Lanner."

BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage "Them Bammer boys sure is ignert!"

RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage "Just set that bare rat cheer."

FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."

DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did, Jim."

ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas. Oxygen. Usage "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ARE!"

ARE2 - (adj) - Possessive form of we. Usage "My waf sed you cud come over ta are house."

BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n'is laf."

SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".

VIEW - (verb) and (pronoun) contraction. Usage "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"

GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.

One day an Auburn fan noticed a Bama fan intently staring at a can of Welch's frozen grape juice in the grocery store. When the Auburn fan asked what was going on, the Bama fan replied, "It says CONCENTRATE."

A Bama football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Thank God the manager of the K-Mart came out and unplugged it in time!

Q : Why don't Bama fans drink Kool-Aid?
A : They don't know how to fit the 2 quarts of water into that little package!

Q : How do you break an Alabama football player's finger?
A : Punch him in the nose!

Q : What do you do when a Crimson Tider throws a hand grenade at you?
A : Take out the pin and throw it back!

Q : What's the best compliment you can give an Alabama Cheerleader?
A : Tell her she's got a nice tooth.

Dear Billy Joe Bob,

I'm writing slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen 'em since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated…he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

Your Favorite Aunt

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate...what is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "Four?"

"Four?!?" the coach exclaimed, with a look of amazement.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

The Politically Correct National Football League would like to announce its name changes and schedules for the '01 season:

The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day. Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Uninvited Guests, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.

In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People. The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.

The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden. The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9. And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Securities-Traders-in- a-Declining-Market.

Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.

Auburn and Georgia Tech were playing a tie game in the 4th quarter. Someone in the stands blew a whistle and Tech, thinking the game was over, walked off the field.

2 plays later Auburn scored.

(submitted by: Jere Henderson)

Clemson or South Carolina fan?
(submitted by: Andy McKee)

Two South Carolina boys were playing backyard football when one was bitten by a rabid dog.

Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board from a nearby fence, wedges it under the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck and saving his friends life.

A Columbia, SC TV reporter hears of the courageous act and rushes over to interview the boy. "YOUNG CLEMSON FAN SAVES FRIEND FROM VICIOUS ANIMAL" he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Clemson fan," the little hero replies.

"Sorry", said the reporter, "since we are in SC and you were wearing orange, I just assumed you were."

He starts writing again, "GAMECOCK FAN RESCUES FRIEND FROM HORRIFIC ATTACK", He jots in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Carolina fan either," the boy responds.

"I assumed that everyone in the state of SC was either a Clemson or Carolina fan... who do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Georgia Bulldog fan," the boy replied.

The reporter starts with a clean sheet of paper from his notebook and scribbles: "LITTLE REDNECK KILLS BELOVED FAMILY PET!".

Two Auburn University football players were down at the War Eagle Supper Club partying. They were hootin' and hollerin' when a bartender asked them why they were celebrating.

The smart one said proudly that they had just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took them two months.

"Two months!?" exclaimed the bartender.

"Yeah, but the box said 4-6 years."

A University of South Carolina student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty coed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the tired line "Where d'you go to school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied.

The South Carolina student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE D'YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

Coach is only dressing 10 players for the Alabama game this week. The rest of the team will get dressed by themselves.

A Dawg, a Gator and Claudia Schiffer are sitting together in a train traveling through Southern Georgia when the train enters a tunnel and the car goes completely dark. There's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train comes out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Dawg are sitting as if nothing had happened and the Gator is holding his slapped face.

The Gator is thinking, "That Dawg must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she swung at him and missed, slapping me instead.

Claudia Schiffer is thinking, "That Gator must have tried to kiss me, accidentally kissed the Dawg and got slapped for it."

The Dawg is thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Gator again."

There's an Auburn, a Georgia and a Vandy Grad that all just broke out of jail. They went to hide out in an old animal warehouse.

The Auburn Grad and Vandy Grad each hid in a box and the Georgia Grad hid in a bag.

The Police walked in and knocked on the Vandy guys box and the Vandy Grad replied "MOO"! The police said.."Oh, it's just a cow".

After knocking on the Auburn Grads box the guy replied "OINK, OINK"! The police said..."Oh, it's just a pig".

Then the police shook the Georgia Grads bag and the guy said "POTATOES!"

Dave Campo, clearly upset about the Dallas Cowboy's losing record, decides to find out from Steve Mariucci what his secret is. So, Campo travels up to a 49'ers practice and asks Mariucci, "Coach, how is it that your team is so good? What's your secret?"

Mariucci responds by calling Steve Young over. "Steve, who's your father's brother's nephew?" Young answers, "Why coach, that's easy. It's me." Mariucci turns to Campo and says, "That's the secret, Dave. A smart quarterback. You've got to have a smart quarterback."

Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Campo returns to Texas and the Cowboys work-out. He promptly calls over Troy Aikman. "Aikman! Who's your father's brother's nephew?" Troy looks perplexed, thinks a minute and says, "Coach, can I get back to you after practice on that one?" Campo (disgusted) says, "OK."

During practice, Aikman calls over Emmet Smith. "Emmet, coach just asked me the weirdest question. Who's your father's brother's nephew?" Smith: "Duh! That's easy. It's me!"

After practice, Aikman catches up with Campo: "Coach, I think I've got it. My father's brother's nephew is Emmet Smith." Campo (angry): "No, No, NO! You idiot!! It's Steve Young!!!

Q: What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Q: What does the average Arkansas football player get on his SAT?
A: Drool.

Q: Why is ice no longer available at Arkansas football games?
A: The senior who knew the recipe graduated.

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Tennessee Volunteer. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Volunteers too.

No one really knowing what a Volunteer is, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a Volunteer."

"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"Why, I'm a proud LSU Tiger," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is being rebellious.

"Well, my mom and dad are Tigers, so I'm a Tiger too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" the teacher says with a smile.

"Then," says Kristen, "I'd be a Volunteer."

Question:
How many Auburn Freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer:
None. That's a Sophomore course at Auburn.